I'd like to start this post off by saying that I hadn't seen Pinocchio in over five years when I watched it... it's a little different than I remembered it. So, without further adieu, here is my train of thought during Pinocchio.
1. Why does Jiminy Cricket have a hillbilly accent? Isn't Pinocchio German?
2. Why did Geppetto give Pinocchio no mouth?
3. Ahh, he's painting on the mouth. Never mind.
4. Ooh, the fish and the cat don't like the name Pinocchio.
5. Geppetto really needs some company.
6. How is the fish so pretty? It's not fair, she's a fish!
7. Ah yes, an alarm clock where the alarm noise is a child screaming while his mother spanks him. Lovely.
8. That pipe is literally as long as your arm, Geppetto. I'm concerned.
9. The cat is me. I am literally this cat.
10. I'm pretty sure the Blue Fairy is just Snow White with blonde hair.
11. Geppetto, go back to bed.
12. How are two foxes walking around and no one notices? Yet people notice Pinocchio is wooden...
13. I'm convinced the cat wants to be human and that's why he's jealous of Pinocchio.
14. For being a conscience, Jiminy's not very noble or good.
15. Lol, the cat/lion/fox/human thing is so stupid.
16. Yeah Pinocchio, don't be an actor. There's no money in that. Go to school.
17. How has Pinocchio become so famous in like 30 seconds?
18. Poor Pinocchio. All these girls want him and he looks terrified.
19. The show runner just locked Pinocchio in a cage!
20. And now he's twerking. This is not good.
23. Poor Geppetto. He's all alone in his bathrobe in the rain trying to find his son.
24. How does a puppet blow his nose? What does he get? Splinters instead of boogers?
25. Ooh. Pinocchio's in trouble now. The Blue Fairy wants to know why Pinocchio didn't go to school.
26. How did his nose grow birds? Maybe he gets birds instead of boogers.
27. Ooh. His coins are bigger than the show runner/director's. Take his, fox people.
28. Did the man just say he's collecting stupid little boys?
29. This is so not a children's movie.
30. Let me get this right. He's collecting stupid boys to take to a place called Pleasure Island where they never come back as boys. Please tell me I'm not the only one whose mind is going some place it shouldn't.
31. Pinocchio! Don't go to Pleasure Island; you won't be able to go school... I'm sensing a theme here.
32. So Pleasure Island is basically a big carnival with free drinks and cakes.... can I go to Pleasure Island?
33. "Come here and smoke your heads off!" Who decided this was an appropriate movie for children?
34. "You buttered your bread, now sleep in it." I don't think that's how that phrase goes Jiminy.
35. The stupid-boy-collecting man is turning the stupid boys into donkeys. Okay. That's not what I was expecting.
36. The real question is, why are there no girls here? Answer, because girls aren't this stupid apparently.
37. Oh, we're in trouble. Pinocchio's turning into a donkey.
38. This is horrifying.
39. Finally. Go home Pinocchio.
40. Where's Geppetto?
41. Oh, he was swallowed by a whale. Of course. I should have seen that coming.
42. Pinocchio's going to drown himself to find the whale at the bottom of the sea. Right. That's logical.
43. Now he's dragging the rock that sunk him around with him. Is this supposed to be symbolic?
44. Aww, the sea horses are so cute!
45. "I never though it would end this way. Starving to death in the belly or a whale." I can't imagine many people would think it would end that way, Geppetto.
46. They're literally making a fire in the belly of the whale just for the purpose of making it sneeze so they can get out. How stupid are these people? Why is the whale not burning on the inside? So many questions!
47. Oh. The whale's having a sneezing fit. This isn't good. The whale's the size of the hotel.
48. "Oh no! Now he hates me!" Well if you wanted him to like you Geppetto, maybe you shouldn't have set your boat on fire in his belly. Not the best way to make friends.
49. No! Pinocchio's dead (although I'm a little confused as to how. Can't he breathe underwater?)
50. Oh please! You're going to save him? He hasn't been selfless, brave or true! He's been a brat.
51. Yeah, yeah, Pinocchio's alive. We get it.
Well.
That was something.
A little different than I remember.
Okay, a lot different than I remember.
Moral of the story: Stay in school kids.
Up next: Bambi
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